Kitty Fisher

Size-positivity, feminism, self-esteem crises, ginormous tits.

over here

Posted by Kitty on October 9, 2008

I have been having trouble lately mustering up the gumption to write here. To do so, I have to sit down and think about my body. And I’m just not… it doesn’t feel good. For a while there, being defiant and angry kept me going, and made me full of fire to post rants and essays and polemics here. But lately the anger has faded, and I just… feel fat. That’s pretty much how it goes.
I have other blogs, where I talk about things besides being fat and having completely ridiculous proportions. It’s easier to fall back on those, as the seasons turn. But it means I neglect this one, which is isolated and anonymous. I still feel like this is an important issue– obviously it is, if someone so immersed in the Fat Acceptance movement that she started a blog, is still falling prey to all the negative body-image stuff. But I don’t know how to write about it.
Because I gained yet more weight this fall, while nursing a foot injury that kept me off-skates. Then I pulled a nerve in my back. I know I need to exercise more because more exercise makes me less physically fragile. But I also know that I can’t count on exercise to make my body go “back the way it was”. It won’t. My body changes one way only. And I don’t like the way my body is. I don’t like the direction it’s headed. I am still far enough back that anything older, bigger, saggier is instinctively seen as a bad thing. I have stretch marks in new places. I am now hopelessly beyond the range of most bra manufacturers. I console myself that at least I can finally fit into Lane Bryant’s clothes, which is a pretty big step– for the first time in about ten years, I can shop at the mall with a reasonable expectation of finding a selection, as opposed to just one item, that will fit me. And I don’t have to try on the whole store to find it!
But it’s scant consolation in the face of so much negativity.

So I will probably be back. But I don’t know when I’ll feel good about myself again, good enough to get fired up and post an essay.

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